I oughta write a book

I need to get some of the… silly things I’ve heard in my years working in call centers compiled somewhere.  I think I’ll start a NEW category!!

“Thank you for calling Blah Tech Support this is Ishmael, how can I held you?” 

“My computer won’t turn on.” 

“OK what model of computer do you have?” 

“White.”

                                                                                                          

“Thank you for calling Blah Tech Support this is Ishmael, how can I held you?”

  “You’re going to laugh at me.” 

“Ma’am, I’ve been at this a while and I’ve heard a lot, so it’s unlikely I’ll laugh at you.” 

“OK, well, I have a laptop that I use for work.  Recently I took a train trip, and didn’t want to take the laptop along with me, but I don’t live in a very good part of town.  So I asked the local police for advice, and they told me the best places to hide things in an apartment where theives are unlikely to look.” 

“Uh-huh.”

“When I got back from my trip it was late and I was hungry, so I decided to fix myself some biscuits and turned on my oven.  But when the kitchen filled with smoke, I remembered WHERE I had hidden my laptop!”

“I’m sorry , ma’am, but you’re right – I have to laugh at you.”

“I undersand.”  (A brief pause ensued.)  “What I really need to know is will my Accidental Damage insurance cover this?”

                                                                                                          

Upset customer:  “I’ll bet you’re mother was a whore!!!”

Ishmael:  “No, sir, if she had been I think I would have gotten better presents as a kid.”

                                                                                                          

Ishmael:  “No, sir, I did not say YOU were stupid.   I said what you just told me was the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

                                                                                                          

“Thank you for calling Blah Tech Support this is Ishmael, how can I held you?”

“There are sparks and smoke coming from my monitor.”

“Sir, I recommend you turn the system off immediately!”

“But I’m not finished with my paper!!”

                                                                                                          

“Thank you for calling Blah Tech Support this is Ishmael, how can I held you?”

“We just got this computer for Christmas, and as I was setting it up, a screen came up and said ‘Press any key to continue’.  I didn’t want to do anything without calling you guys first.”  (And he never did ask WHERE the ‘Any’ key was!)

                                                                                                          

“Thank you for calling Blah Tech Support this is Ishmael, how can I held you?”

“My computer won’t turn on at all.”

“Have you made sure it’s securely plugged into the wall or power strip?”

“Just a minute, I need to get a flashlight- the electricity has been knocked out by a storm here.”

                                                                                                                                                              

“Thank you for calling Blah Tech Support this is Ishmael, how can I held you?”

(Adolescent Male Voice)  “I installed a new video card into my Dad’s new computer, and now it doesn’t work, so I need help removing and restoring the computer.”

“Did you see the paper seal on the case that said breaking this seal would void your warranty when you opened it ?”

“Yeah- what does that mean?”

“It means even if I could help with the installation or removal of third-party hardware, I can’t help you, and any other problems your Dad has with the computer are no longer covered under his warranty, because you broke that seal.”

(CLICK!)

                                                                                                           

As I remember more, or hear more from my colleagues, I’ll add them.  I guarantee that I did NOT make any of these up.  Several of them are based upon calls I ACTUALLY took.

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