I just can’t watch

My wife is in watching the History Channel’s broadcast of footage from 9/11/01.  Whenever I walk through the room, it’s like a train wreck you see happening but can’t do a thing about–  I can’t help but look.  But I can’t just sit there and watch.

I have not forgotten.  I can never forget.  I can remember the expression on the man’s face who told me it was not a small plane that hit one of the towers–  nor was it an accident.  But I don’t even want to go into a minute-by-minute description of what I did when where or with whom.  I haven’t forgotten.  I just don’t feel the need to wallow in that time. 

My Dad was a bombardier in World War II.  He flew missions in B-24’s in North Africa and B-17’s out of England.  Before Dad died late last year, one of my nephews asked him how could he get into the plane every time, knowing what was in store.  “Easy,” Dad said, “I figured I was already dead anyway.” 

I remember as a kid, he said that he never even wanted to fly again.   One day he and I took a ride over to the County Airport.  MUCH to my amazement, we got INTO a small plane owned by a co-worker of his and went for a pleasant flight over the area where I grew up.  He flew several more times after that, even to England for a reunion of his bomber group at their old base. 

Dad was great fun to watch WWII movies with.  There would be fighters diving at bombers and Dad would come out with “That model of Focke-Wolf wasn’t out at that time!” or “That bomber group was in the Pacific then!”  When the movie Memphis Belle came out in 1990, he was persuaded to go see it.  Afterwards, I asked him if the film was accurate.  “Yes,” was his reply, “and I never want to see it again.”

That’s kind of the way I feel about 9/11 video.  Some day, I may feel the need to watch it all again. Today is not that day.

More Call Center Life

Thank you for calling Acme Cell Phone Customer Service, my name is Marah, may I have the cell phone number you are calling about?

I don’t know the number.

Sir, I can’t help you if I don’t know the number we’re dealing with.

I can give you the last four numbers of my Social Security number.

I’m sorry, sir, but that’s still not sufficient.

That’s OK `cause I just want to cancel the service.

I can’t do that either, sir, without knowing the number.

That’s why I want to cancel–customer service here stinks!!!!!

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Thank you for calling Acme Cell Phone Customer Service, my name is Marah, may I have the cell phone number you are calling about?

555-555-5555

OK how may I help you??

My calls have been dropping the last couple of days.

I see from your account you live in an area that is currently experienceing a hurricane.  Have you considered the weather as a factor?

Why is it Fox Mulder can be buried in Arizona in a box car full of dead aliens, yet he can connect to Scully in Washington, D.C.  but you can’t guarantee me service in this over-grown thunderstorm?

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Thank you for calling Acme Computer Customer Service, my name is Ishmael, how may I assist you?

Yeah this brand new computer is broken and I wanna refund.

OK may I have the serial number?  ########################  I see, sir, that he unit you have purchased is actually one of our refurbished models.  Would you like the number to technical support for that model?

What do you mean “refurbished?”

It’s a model that was returned to us for whatever reason, and our tech support personnel check it out, make sure that it’s in operational condition, and then is offered for sale through discount outlets.  May I ask where you purchased this computer?

Dewey Taykum’s Pawn Shop in the Bronx.

That’s not one of our approved outlets, sir. (Pause) Sir??

That stupid (edited) clown told me it was brand new!!  I’m gonna take this back there and (edited)!!  (MUCH more editing!)

Is there anything else I can do for you sir?

Yeah- watch for me on the evening news!!! (CLICK)

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Thank you for calling Acme Computer Technical Support, my name is Ishmael, how may I assist you?

My computer won’t do anything.  It just sits there with the light flashing at the top of the screen.

What were you doing when this problem started, sir?

Well, my cousin told me that if I removed programs from my computer it would run faster, so I removed them all.

Excuse me?

Yeah, he told me about this command called “fdisk”, so I ran it and now my computer just sits there.

So you removed all of the files and programs from your computer?

Yeah.

And now it doesn’t work?

Yeah.

And now you want to know why?

Yeah.
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Thank you for calling Acme Computer Technical Support, my name is Ishmael, how may I assist you?

Like, this computer is totally fried, man.

In what way, ma’am?

(Sound of tapping, as on a desk to or a mirror, followed by a long inhalation) The keys on the keyboard keep moving around, and I can’t ever seem to find my files where I left them.

Uh-huh.

And the display, like wow, man how do you guys get it to do that? (More tapping/inhalation) Oh wow that’s wild.

Oh-oh, looks like my blog has flat-lined

Two days and no one has even taken a peek.  Well, what do I expect when I don’t publish new stuff?

Hmmm…more Phone Follies?  Nah, not today.  I’m not out of stories, I just don’t have ay ready to spill out of my head.  Boy, I am REALLY coming up empty here!!! It’s not really writer’s block., just nothing has me really driven to write except the fact that I DON’T feel like writing about anything.

Back to The Vault.  In an earlier post or comment, I mentioned my e-mails at work.  They were my main release for frustration,with many people finding out about my sometimes contentious yet bizarre sense of humor.   One in particlar stands out in my memory as my favorite, to the extent that I’ve saved it. 

I’ve sanitized it, removing references to clients and employers, including the name of the team manager in question.   He has the same first and last name of a famous Hollywood movie director, which should be obvious from the body of the message:

From: Gxxxxx Lxxxx
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2006
To:  Ops-Desk
Subject: Schedule

 

                           Folks,  

•    It would be ever most helpful if I were to have something in my folder.  This is a new team being formed and I would like to be able to introduce myself to them and give them their schedules.  This would be most easily accomplished if I had the info.

• Thanks,
• By the way, my name is actually spelled GEORGE (with one “R”).

Dear George,

I heartily apologize for this omission when we did the schedules last night—apparently, “The Force” was not with us. The responsible peon has been flogged, driven into the cold wailing and gnashing her teeth while pathetically clinging to her few pitiful possessions, her family, goods and chattels sold and the money used to erect a monument to you with an engraved scroll detailing the insult you endured. Is that sufficient??

As for the misspelling of your name, I have yet to locate an instance where your name WAS misspelled—at least, not by this office. Perhaps you need to clean your glasses.

Now, perhaps, the few, the proud, this happy band known as “Gxxxxx Lxxxx’ Team” will be come acquainted with your magnificence, and thus be inspired on to great and heroic deeds to the greater glory of (our client), (our employer) and the United States of America.

 

Fortunately (I think) I was so proud of this opus that I showed it to my supervisor before sending it.  He was amused, but was not entirely certain that the manager-in-question would be, and “dissuaded”me from sending it.  Several of my co-workers likewise found it entertaining, including his daughter, who concurred with my supervisor’s assessment that the manager would not have been pleased. 

Many months later, after I had established a working rapport and friendship with this manager, I showed it to him.  He, understanding my sense of humor by this time, laughed.   Perhaps it did get better with age.

CallCenter Life III

This one is based upon a call I made TO Customer Service:

Thank you for calling Acme National Trash Services, how may I help you??

My trash was not picked up.

OK. Let me look at your account.  I see that your bill is past due, and services were cut off.

Yes, and whether I’m an air head for having missed the payment is still under review, but I also recieved a letter from your company today (the 7thday of the month) stating that the were willing to work with me as I was a “valued customer.”

Yes, sir that letter was mailed out on the 1st.  We cut off your services on the 2nd.

So you mailed a letter to me on the 1st promising to work with me, and I don’t receive it until the 7th.  There is no way I COULD have received this letter by the 2nd, and yet that is when you cut off my services.

Yes sir, that’s the policy.

Young lady, I hope this call is monitored.  Not because you have done anything wrong, but so your managers can listen to how stupid what they just made you say sounds.

NOTE:  I have since changed trash companies.   The old one has yet to come pick up their container.  If it’s here much longer I’m going to sell it at a yard sale.

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Thank you for calling Blah Technical Support, my name is Ishmael, how may I help you?

I’m having trouble connecting to the Internet.

Who is you service provider??

Internet Explorer.

No, I mean who did you contact to connect your computer to the Internet?  Do you use AOL?  CompuServe?  A local ISP?

You mean I have to call someone else to connect?  You sold me this computer, YOU should make it connect for me!

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Thank you for calling Blah Technical Support, my name is Ishmael, how may I help you?

Every time I try to dial into the Internet, I get an error that says “No Dial Tone.”

Are you sure that telephone line is active?

Yes, we’re speaking on it. 

How many phone lines do you have in the house?

Just this one.

Is someone else using the phone when you get these errors?

Yes- what difference does that–OH!!

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This is addictive

Now it’s been 30 days since the green-eyed devilchallenged me to start my own blog.  I used to think blogs were pathetic exercises in narcissism by geeks in desperate need of a life transfusion.  I can still see examples of those within the blogosphere, but I’ve also seen ones with intelligent conversations useful discussions.   It reminds me of the early days of the Web.  There were a lot of web sites put up that were a waste of bandwidth, but the worthwhile ones survived. 

Will mine survive?.  Probably, simply because I’ve become addicted to writing like this.  I really don’t care who reads this it, or if anyone even does.  I write the way I always USED to- just for.  My e-mails at work used to be legendary, until they told us to make everything more “professional.”   If I can find a way to protect the innocent, I’ll post one of my favorites (which I was not allowed to send.)  Now I’ve found another outlet for my ranting and expressive side. 

Maybe more good things will come of this– and all because an old friend updated her e-mail.  Synchronicity.  Great album- freaky feeling.

Call Center Life II

Having received encouragement from an independent source (thanks, Rich McLafferty http://richmclafferty.wordpress.com/ ) I shall continue:

Thank you for calling Blah Tech Support, my name is Ishmael, how may I help you?

Yeah, like, I stole this computer, but it ’s password protected. Can you help me?

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Thank you for calling Blah Tech Support, my name is Ishmael, how may I help you?

My computer is laughing at me.

Excuse me?

Every once in a while, I hear laughter from inside of the box.

O…K,  What exactly does the laughing sound like?

You don;t believe me, do you? 

That’s not the point, ma’am I’m trying to determine what may be causing the sound that you hear.

IT’S LAUGHING AT ME!!  I SUPPOSE YOU ALL ARE HAVING A GREAT TIME WATCHING ME TRY TO DO THINGS ON MY COMPUTER AND MAYBE IT’S YOU I HEAR LAUGHING!!  I want it stopped!!!!!

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Thank you for calling ABC Cell Phone Customer Service, how may I help you?

I want to dispute part of my bill.

May I have your phone number, please?  (pause)  I’m looking at our bill, which part do you want to dispute?

It appears that there are over $400 in text messaging charges that I didn’t make or authorize. 

They were made from a phone on this account.

Well, yes, they were made by my children, but I don’t think I should be responsible for them since I didn’t make them. 

(On mute) The messages or the children??

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Call Center Attendance Line, are you going to be absent or tardy?

Female Employee:  I’m sick and won’t be in today. 

(Child’s voice in the background of the call) Mommy are we going to Wal-Mart yet?

CLICK!!  (Obviously going to get medicine)

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Thank you for calling Blah Tech Support, my name is Ishmael, how may I help you?

My girlfriend threw my computer off off the balcony in my apartment. 

That’s not covered under your warranty, sir.

I figured that, but is it covered under my Accident Protection Insurance?

____________________________________________________

Thank you for calling Blah Customer Service, my name is Ishmael, how may I help you?

I want to return my computer for a refund.

When did you purchase the computer?

Spring of 1995.

Sir, that’s over 10 years ago.

So?  it came with lifetime support, they can’t help me fix it, so I want my $2400 back.

___________________________________________________

That oughta be enough for now.

Be Careful what you Ask For

Last Wednesday, Bailey went in to be groomed.  It had been a couple of months, and she was beginning to look somewhat “scruffy.”

Bailey pre-groomer

OK, DECIDEDLY “scruffy.”  Anyway, it was determined that she needed to visit the groomer, and an appointment was made. 

Now, you must understand that, in matters of style and/or design, I leave that all to my wife, Mary.  When she met me, I was buying all of my clothes from Farm & Fleet: fleece-lined corduroy jacket; harness boots; REAL denim blue jeans; and flannel lumber-jack shirts.  I thought it all looked just fine.  Flannel shirts are STILL banned from my wardrobe.  So it is that I rarely make any decision on appearance without consulting her.

Life was simpler in the Army.  Not only did I not have to THINK about what I wore, because it was all out-lined for me,  but everyone wore their name on their uniform.   This is a tremendous boon for someone who wins easily at Trivial Pursuit but can’t remember the names of people with whom he has worked for years.  But I digress.

So it was that I called Mary at her office from the groomers to ensure that I had her instructions correct in my head.

“How did you want Bailey’s hair?” 

“Short,” was her reply.

“Didn’t you want some particular style or something?”  I asked.

“I don’t know, you know, SHORT!”  were her instructions, which I passed along to the groomer. 

Bailey Post-Groomer

Mary said when she picked her up she almost didn’t recognize her.

So as I said in the title of this post:  be CAREFUL what you ask for- you just might get it.  Bailey probably won’t need a haircut now much before Thanksgiving. 

I fear I’ve written myself out for the evening.

I’m sitting here wondering what else I could possibly write about.  I could write about the crime stories I’ve seen on the web,  but that’ll just upset me all over again at how cruel “humans” can be.  I was once asked if I believed that humans evolved from apes.   “No,” I said, “we ARE apes!” 

 ! THIS IS NOT TO BE TAKEN AS AN 

INVITATION TO START ANY SEMI-

RELIGIO/SCIENTIFIC DISCUSSION

OF EVOLUTION,CREATION, OR

INTELLIGENT DESIGN ! 

It is merely an observation.  If you don’t agree, that is your right.  You have the right to remain silent, and I have the right to not hear your views unless I want to, which I have stated in very bold print that I do not.

So about what shall rant this evening?

I could write about Bailey’s haircut, but I don’t have an after picture yet. 

Bailey pre-groomer

 I could write about the political races, but to paraphrase Benjamin Franklin from the musical 1776 “I won’t put politics on (electronic media)/ it’s a mania!”

Aw, what the heck, I’ve ranted enough for this one to count.

Common Sense VS. Quality Assurance

(See Rich McLafferty’s on my blogroll for this posts inspiration.)  Once again, the nail has been roundly struck headwise by Rich McLafferty.  Quality Assurance is supposed to guarantee the CUSTOMER has a quality experience.  You remember them- those funny people on the other end of the phone??

 I remember a call where the customer knew she had the wrong department; she just wanted to be transferred. Great call- nice & short. I failed the QA because I didn’t hit all of the required phrases, and because I didn’t upsell. Fortunately my supervisor at the time not only had common sense but also had also monitored that particular call, and was able to immediately appeal and correct the score.

I’ve seen QA agents go back out onto the floor, only to be terminated because they were worthless as CSR’s. They could talk the talk but not walk the walk. At least now where I work, QA agents are required to take a certain amount of calls per month.

Common sense would correct many of the issues I see in call center life. A cell phone client requiring 300 agents to be available on Christmas Day has no bearing on logic. (However, the center did get a good cleaning that season.) A computer manufacturer requiring a sale on every call leads to unnecessary, incorrect or incompatible parts being sold and shipped by Customer Service agents who really don’t know anything about computers. Otherwise, a customer would not have been sold a memory upgrade for their portable computer and received RAM for a desktop.

And even before I got into call centers, there was a newspaper that began to push the readers as “customers”, and hired writing coaches. One of the reporters sniffed “If they can’t understand my writing, they need to go back to school.”  You will note that “dead tree” newspapers that ignore this precept are now in decline.

Bleah!

Sorry, but that’s the way I feel tonight.  For two magic beans I wouldn’t go back to that job again if I could help it.  No backing, no clear leadership, no allowance for the people who KNOW what’s going on to actually perform their jobs.  In a crisis situation, all of the managers are too busy trying to show how THEY can handle it rather than allowing those who are SUPPOSED to handle it do so.  It’s like hospital administrators criticising a surgeon’s suture technique.  They don’t really know what they’re talking about, but they don’t want to appear inept, so they do SOMETHING.  Never mind that the people whoare SUPPOSED to be controlling call flow are being ignored and not even consulted.  We finally told agents not to even bother to call and ask us, because everyone else with a radio had the situation well in hand.  Of course, there was no co-ordination, and some were doing one thing and others were doing the opposite, but never mind– they management had the situation well in hand. 

And the wonder why my attitude stinks.  I tell them I don’t have an attitude problem- I have the attitude, THEY have the problem with it.

The local Animal Control Officer makes more than me.  Maybe next time they advertise I should go for that.